Normal Baby Sleep: What to expect & how to embrace it

For at least the first year or two (but usually beyond), babies want to be near their caregivers. In the US, we are told (explicitly and implicitly) that this is wrong and must be fixed - that it's something we need to work against and train out of our children. And trust me when I say that subscribing to this belief will require work and training - not just for a few months, but for years ahead.

Young humans literally cannot survive without a responsive and protective adult, so we are evolutionarily wired to find safety (and therefore regulation and less stress) in closeness. Because of the size of our heads and brains, humans are born long before we can even attempt independence. Our bodily systems are developed to the point of basic survival, but our bodies expect to be carried in high nurture relationships in order to grow and thrive.

The relative health of any life form is a function of its essential needs being met or not met. Thus, to know what kind of beings we are is to know what we need in order to be those beings to the fullest. - Gabor Mate, The Myth of Normal

Humans are carry mammals.

As carry mammals, human infants are born relatively immature and require close proximity and constant care from their caregivers. Unlike "follow mammals" that can walk soon after birth, or "cache mammals" that are left hidden by their mothers, human babies rely on being carried and frequently fed. We want to keep love (connection) hormones up and stress hormones down in order for our brain and autonomic nervous system to develop properly, tolerate stress, be more resilient, and create a foundation for long term health.

I find the work of Michel Odent really interesting and helpful to keep in mind when considering the inner world of a newborn. He has studied and advocated for protecting our babies' primal health / primal adaptive network. In very very brief summary, this primal network of three systems is like programming for the rest of our life. He speaks to the interconnectivity of our immune system, endocrine system (hormones), and nervous system and explores what conditions must be met to best nurture this foundation of long term health.

So what does this mean for me and my baby?

The way that I look at it, we all have a choice to make - we can embrace these primal needs for nurture, proximity, and attunement, knowing that meeting our babies' needs during the day and at night makes them MORE resilient and capable of independence, or fight against it. Babies come into the world with their own particular disposition - some might be perfectly content to be placed on their back in a crib and sleep without issue. But the overwhelming majority of babies are not compatible with this modern (and very American) expectation. Trust me, they do exist! But it’s rarely due to some magical technique or training the parents use and more to do with a baby’s nature.

How to prepare for baby sleep?

My approach to most things in my life applies to sleep as well - I want to reduce my own suffering and the feeling of misery and sacrifice often woven into the parenting narrative. I want to support my children and pour in to them. AND I want to experience as much of the joy and love available to me as a mother. So here are some things I recommend to support babies' needs AND make it easier for parents to meet their own.

1. Get the largest mattress and lowest bed frame you can for yourself AND baby. This isn't always an option, and I'm not suggesting you go out and replace a perfectly good bed. But one of the best ways to support adult sleep is to make it easy for baby to be in the adults' bed and/or for baby's bed to be large enough for an adult to comfort them comfortably. If you're considering a fancy convertible crib, I'd highly suggest considering a floor bed in at least a twin size, even up to a queen if you have room for it. This was one of the switches I made for my second child, and I was so pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to put her down for naps and bedtime on the twin bed and slipping away. My oldest started climbing out of his crib (that he hardly slept through the night in) right at 2 years old, so it was also a huge relief not to have to make the toddler bed transition since her bed and room were already safe. This bedside sleeper is my absolute favorite thing for the early months and is 100% worth the price (in my experience!). My sister-in-law and I were able to pass it along and have used it for 3 babies so far. I love that it doesn't require lifting baby up and over and that it allows for nursing baby to sleep in place and then unlatching and rolling away. There are many other bedside sleepers available these days - my only recommendation is to make sure the side nearest the bed can be lowered easily so that you can scoot yourself over for feeding and bring baby back and forth from bed to bassinet without much vertical lifting.

   
   

2. Even if you have zero interest in cosleeping, for the sake of safety, please familiarize yourself and your partner with safe bedsharing guidelines. In the midst of sleep deprivation and because of the powerful natural instinct to do so (especially while feeding), you are almost guaranteed to fall asleep with your baby and it is critical that you understand how to do that safely. Falling asleep in a recliner or on the sofa or in a bed full of pillows is very different than intentional bed sharing. Dr. James McKenna is an anthropologist and prominent researcher of the physiology and behavior of co-sleeping mothers and infants. I'd highly recommend familiarizing yourself with his work. The Safe Sleep 7 is a set of helpful guidelines to reduce risk. The US essentially takes an abstinence only approach to bedsharing, so it's important that you seek out and familiarize yourself with this information. Your pediatrician will most likely not be supportive.

   
   

3. Skip the Swaddling. The startle reflex is one of our primal reflexes that needs to be "used" in order to fade. It's protective and will go away all on its own. Before I understood normal biological infant sleep, I fell down the rabbit hole of sleep suits and swaddles with my first, spending a few hundred dollars and still struggling immensely to have him sleep for any length of time on his own. I tried to shop myself out of this predicament and failed. When you swaddle a baby from birth, it can be a shocking and exhausting adjustment to have to start all over when baby starts rolling over and swaddling is no longer safe. Wearable Blankets are my favorite.

4. I've learned that most powerful resource in my parenting experience thus far is choice. I spent so long with my first baby trying to figure him out - to make him sleep or be the way I thought he was supposed to. And I resisted our reality so often and in so many ways that I ended up robbing myself of a wellspring of - what feels to me now - like heaven on earth. Of course, we ended up co-sleeping and the first few years were filled with contact naps, but deep down I always felt a bit of shame... that he needed me too much or that there was something I should be doing to make him "easier." Choosing to surrender to the (at times) relentlessness of supporting my babies in sleep and allowing myself to see their needs as true and normal has alleviated so much of the stress around sleep. And this perspective shift + stress reduction is a wonderful combination. Every night my youngest (now 3) wanders into our bed at night, I feel so lucky to be in a place where I can soak up this closeness and connection with her. And consistently meeting this need she has now, but will not have for much longer, feels like one of the most powerful gifts I can give to her future self.